still in the fight?

friends ~ it's been a while since we posted on our love dare blog.  today i am sipping some fresh mickey d's coffee...watching the rain...and thinking of all of you...

the official 40 days has long since come and gone but my hope is that there are many of you out there who, like me, are still in the fight.  the fight for a strong and healthy marriage.  there are days when i feel like i've been sucker punched and i can't get back on my feet.  other days i think that i'm the one doing the punching.  but i know that this battle is worth all the pain and heartache that goes into fighting it.  Strengthening my marriage means preserving a sacred relationship with my best friend, providing the best foundation possible for my little ones, and also allowing God to refine me in the process so that i can more adequately do all of the kingdom work He puts before me.


did you know that since we started this blog i have checked in from time to time to see if other folks are actually reading our posts?  did you know that on just the few occasions that i have checked our traffic i have seen people visiting from 13 other states (and even some from canada too!)?!?  if even one marriage is saved as a result of our movement to love our spouses well then it was all worth it...right?  maybe that marriage is yours...or someone you know.  if you are still out there fighting for your marriage would you respond with a simple 'i'm here!' or 'hanging in there!' or whatever else you'd like to say to encourage one another?  i keep being reminded that there are strength in numbers!  so let's hear from you - the good, the bad, and the ugly...we've all been there...


as we've already established - i do NOT read 'the love dare' daily.  but...i do think about it almost EVERY day because i am constantly running into challenges when it comes to being a kind, patient, and loving wife and i am going back in my mind and pulling from the scripture and words that i have tucked away.  


today i did pick up the book and read a chapter.  of course it was just what i needed to hear...


'Love Encourages'


interestingly i had just finished an intense morning of studying the scriptures on pride {i'm hoping to get out an entry on THAT topic on my blog during naptime today : )}


the reason this is so interesting is because i find that in my own life my ability to encourage my husband takes a nose dive right into the pavement (ouch!) every time my pride creeps in.  
our book says it like this...
Does your spouse feel like they're living with a speck inspector? (see Matthew 7:4-5)
Are they routinely on edge, fearful of not living up to your expectations?  Would they spend most days sensing more of your disapproval than your acceptance?


I am sad to say that I could answer 'yes' to those questions a lot of days.  This is doubly sad because I have a friend who a couple of years ago dubbed me 'the great encourager' because of my regular encouragement of others.  Why does my husband not get the very best of my encouragement?  Instead he often lives under the weight of my expectations of him.  Man...that's brutal.  


I am convinced that if we are not intentional about encouraging our husbands every day...that nasty ole pride will sneak right back in and have us slinging around expectations left and right (both spoken and silent) that gradually chip away at the heart of our marriage.


so...i leave you with great wisdom from a dear friend who is much further down the marriage road than me.  many times when i share concerns with her about my marriage she says one simple thing...
'you gotta go lower'  
(and i know she's not talking about a limbo stick...she's referring to my expectations)


today i commit to live by encouragement rather than expectations...how about you?

move...

i only have time for a quick {non-proofread} post but thought i would share this thought.  yesterday as i was driving to target i was listening to 'i dare you to move' by switchfoot and this line  {that i've heard millions of times before} really got stuck in my head...

'maybe forgiveness is right where you fell...'

one thing that i have struggled with in my life {and particularly in my marriage} is having a hard time letting go of mistakes i have made.  i can take a major guilt trip around the world and back and still not be able to let go of the ways that i fail others.  i am at the point in our book where the focus has shifted to jesus and the fact that he is the 'secret' to the love dare.  i sensed the author rolling out a 'salvation message' and initially i started to skim over this part thinking - 'oh yeah...i know all this...i've already accepted Jesus Christ as my savior...I already love him and follow him...'  but then i realized that i needed to hear this all over again because there are still ways that i am living my life that do not reflect a complete faith in Christ.  


i started reading and thinking about the perfect love of God and how i am called to love {to the best of my ability} with that kind of love.  i realized that one thing getting in my way is my inability to forgive myself for the ways i have failed in the love department and then move forward. 

do any of you ever get hung up on this?  do you ever see yourself spiraling into unkind thoughts, harsh words, disrespectful actions towards your husbands and suddenly feel like all of this loving marriage business is beyond your grasp...you're just not cut out for it...does anyone else ever have those moments?  and does anyone else waste precious energy and brainpower holding onto those moments of failure, allowing them to slowly eat away at the abundant life they are trying to live? it's really like i get knocked down and then don't even try getting back up again {sorry...that sounds an awfully lot like a chumba wumba song}.

if you ever feel this way, maybe the words from that song can pierce your heart like they did mine...

forgiveness is right where you fell

the grace, love, and forgiveness of Christ covers ALL of our screw-ups...the ones that we have already committed and the ones we will commit tomorrow.  this doesn't mean that we stop trying...it just means that we have the freedom to move forward from our mistakes knowing that in the instant that we acknowledged them as a mistake Christ wiped them away.  i think he is probably pretty insulted when i keep dragging back up the trash that he has already disposed of...the longer i let that stuff sit around my house the more it stinks...

so my simple word {after this rambling post} is this: sisters, as soon as you got tripped up God lovingly extended a hand to lift you back up and in that moment he forgot that you ever fell down {no matter how far of a fall it was}...you should do the same...release yourself from the mistakes you have made in your marriage and move forward in the freedom of God's love and forgiveness...

wherever you are girls - 'i dare you to move - i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor...'

{check out the whole song HERE - and just ignore the weird commercial at the beginning : )}

As Yo Gabba Gabba would sing..."keep trying keep trying don't give up"

So maybe only 1 of you will appreciate this title...but you might relate with the rest.

This morning I was in no mood for the challenge of a love dare. But there it was that stupid faux-leather-wanna-be-looking brown book. FINE!!! I thought as I turned to my next dare. Turns out it was exactly what I needed to snap me out of my funky wife tude. I proceeded to pray for a soft heart because I was feeling like my heart was a rock--or at the very least calloused. Then later that morning I was reading a book and this verse just about knocked me over (which would have been bad because I was on the treadmill at the Y)...

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36.26

This made me realize that where you are in the book might be exactly where you need to be. I am not exactly on track which is good because I got this message this day.

My reason for sharing is (1) to highlight how cool our God is (2) to encourage all of us to keep going with the dare...even when you'd rather hide the book or throw it across the room.

So "keep trying, keep trying, don't give up"

stop feeling guilty {you are NOT 'behind'}

ok, girls...time to get real...

over the past several days i have spoken with many of you and inevitably every time i ask how 'the love dare' is going i get one of the following responses (1) eye roll (2) sudden guilt-filled confessional {seriously y'all...i know i work for a church but i'm not a priest} (3) an 'uggghhh' or 'oh geez' coupled with an expression that looks like you just got asked to scrub toilets for the rest of your life

here's what all of this tells me: #1 - this challenge is not easy and #2 - i should have set some ground rules at the beginning...so, here goes...

(1) NO GUILT - i don't care if you have already made it through the entire book for the 3rd time and have lovingly completed each of your challenges in a timely fashion or if you are still on day 1...in either case you have taken steps to improve your marriage and the way you love and that is to be commended.  guess what guilt does...  it leaves us feeling defeated and typically leads to us giving up {or worse - makes us resentful towards our spouses because we associate these feelings of failure with them}.  one other thing - this guilt does not come from God...it comes from that other being who seeks to destroy us {and our marriages}...don't give him a foothold.  and don't let him steal your joy.

(2) JOY and CELEBRATION - find time for this every day...this is the alternative to #1...it will give you hope and spur you on rather than bringing you down

(3) PACE YOURSELF - ok...time for true confessions - i have no idea what day we are supposed to be on right now.  this morning i read day 16.  i'm pretty sure that we are way past day 16 but that's where i am.  for the first week or so i did a pretty good job of sticking to a daily reading but then i had a baby that decided to wake up an hour early one morning and then one day i decided to sleep in because i had stayed up late having a really amazing conversation with my husband and there have been a couple of days that truthfully i was just too tired and couldn't focus.  SO WHAT?!?!  girls - the point is not to feel like there is a drill sergeant standing over you barking orders about how you need to be on track every day never getting behind.  guess what?  there is no 'getting behind' because everything that you do in an attempt to love your husbands better is a 'step ahead' of where you were before.

Adhering to these guidelines will look different for each of us.  Here's what it means for me:  i'm reading each day when i can.  if i don't get to a challenge one day i roll it over to the next {and the next if needed}...i would rather it be thoughtful and meaningful than rushed because i'm on a schedule.  if one day didn't really sink in i re-read it another day.  regardless of where i am in the book - or how many days have gone by since i actually picked up the book - i am THINKING and PRAYING about my marriage and about the ways i am choosing to love.  sometimes this happens for 5 minutes when i am taking a shower.  sometimes i have some thoughts {and a rare 30 minutes or so to myself} and i journal pages about what God is doing in my life.  and another thing...i haven't been perfectly kind and patient every day...that is impossible...don't hold yourself to a standard that you can't meet.  extend grace to yourself while also continuing to be disciplined.

whew!  sorry...that was a lot.  i wanted to blog today about the HUGE importance of being intentional in our marriages {even when it's hard and we don't feel like it } but i think i have probably already lost most of you.  i have some really good insights to share regarding this and i hope they will put some fresh wind in your sails so please stick it out and come back in a few days to hear a little bit of what i am learning.  in the meantime...let me know what you are learning {and NO guilty confessions!}.

still praying for each of you and your marriages...let God do his supernatural work in your life...this is too big of a task to face alone...

Beloved~I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. 3John 2

LOVE... even when they are bugging the crap out of you!

It is a good thing I was not on the Bible writing committee. Because my title of this entry is how I would have worded LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. First, let me say I felt like a cheater at first because I wrote down in the book what I did today for my DARE before I actually did it. But then I thought --Ahh Ha! This is brilliant because now I HAVE TO DO IT NO MATTER WHAT. I plan to give my hubby a foot soak and foot rub when he gets home today. Now this means that even if he walks in that door and is annoying me (not that I think he will but he could) I commit to giving him this very loving gift of a foot soak and foot rub. I actually had this happen to me before. I had promised a back rub (my husband really likes massages) and despite the rest of the day not going so romantic comedy movie perfect I still gave him that back rub. I did have to put on my big girl pants at the end of the night and say, ok still up for that massage? And that massage reminded me that I loved this person so much. But that massage only happend because I made a promise. We all made a promise to LOVE back when we got married. Now, if you are like me you may not have fully understood what you were promising when got married. I think we are all still learning what LOVE means. And to me it means LOVING when the other person is bugging the crap out of you. I might put that in my vows if I ever re-new them. I love you ladies and your marriages! And remember YOUR MARRIAGE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR...IT IS WORTH PUTTING ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTS! We could learn to love like Jesus when we remember...We love, because He first loved us. 1John 4.19

a couple of quick things...

hey girls ~ i'm not scheduled for another official post for a few more days but wanted to share...
#1 ~ this is the fortune i got at PF Chang's last night...hee hee hee...

...i feel like i'm getting reinforcement for my loving efforts everywhere i turn (thanks God, you know i need it!)

#2 ~ this sunday night marks the first of a 2-part series on LOVE at our church (new charlotte)...feel free to come and hear the message at 6pm or listen to it on-line next week at this link

My Amazing Husband - Day 7

Hi Love Dare Ladies


This is my first time blogging so I hope I am doing this right. I want to start out by saying that I am learning and be challenged by all your comments. I have always felt that it is impossible to grow in your faith outside of community. You ladies have enriched my faith in so many ways but mainly through the way you live your lives.


None of us have perfect marriages but I assume we all have a few "hard" lessons learned to share. Although I think I am older than all of you, I have only been married 5 years...the second time. I still feel like a newlywed and appreciate the many blessings Jeff has brought into my life. As I was doing today's lesson and writing down the positive and negative attributes of my husband I was amazed that my positives were 17 and my negative were only 6. This made me realize again how blessed I am but also how criticial (days 1-6!) I definitely focus too much on the 6 and not enough on the 17.


I asked Megan the other day if "helpful suggestions" are the same as criticisms. She said that helpful suggestions are probably not PC for Love Dare..ouch...Oh well, I'm just being helpful...or controlling or selfishly wanting him to meet more of my expectations.


As I journaled this morning, God reminded me how much I have changed for the better since being married to Jeff. His kindness and content spirit have made me more kind and content.


1 Timothy 6:6 - "True religion with contentment is great wealth." I love this verse and have been meditating on it since yesterday...feeling wealthy. If you get a chance look up the verses for Day 6. Most are very familiar with powerful messages.


Jeff's humble, nonjudgemental spirit and the way he looks for the best in people has made me stop and think before I move forward with negative attitudes and words.


Of course, my husband has his faults but just like Elizabeth said in her first blog about making the love dare challenge a habit that stays with us, I want to stay focused as long as possible on the positive.


Humerous aside: Day 5's challenge of asking our husbands to list 3 things that irritate them about us was hard to do without giving away our 40 day secret. About mid day I could tell I was doing something to get on his nerves so I asked him if I irritate him. With a playful grin on his face he said "only when you try and you are trying now." I hope to "get in the habit" of trying less.


Wouldn't it be wonderful if our marriages could stay in the honeymoon stage forever...looking at and for the best in each other. I look forward to continuing to learn more life & marriage lessons from you all.

Suzanne

finding ways to say "yes"

hi love dare sisters!

are you all still with us? did we lose anyone??? i admit, after reading some of these chapters, my selfish thinking totally consumed me and i quickly thought of ways that i did NOT want to do what the book was telling me to do HA!

for me, and i'm sure for many, the biggest challenge is becoming less selfish and more selfless. i had thought i had been doing a good job of this.....that is until i read day 3.

"if there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness." ummmm, that's a pretty strong statement. i mean, how many times {a day!} have i done the following:

• complained about ALL the work i was doing around the house

OR

• been "generous" with something and consciously or subconsciously expecting something in return.

brandon LOVES golf. and i think that's great. except for the fact it takes 5 HOURS TO PLAY! not to mention he is exhausted when he comes home. i just realized in writing this tonight, that i was ok with brandon playing golf on friday because i wanted some time to myself too, although i didn't quite say that.

SELFISH ME!

i don't know about you all, but looking for ways to say "yes" completely wore me out yesterday HA! it just so happens that it was brandon's birthday yesterday too, so i had already planned on being less selfish :) but seriously, without complaining and without saying "no", i was beat by the end of the day. but.....i did notice a change in brandon, and i like it. he just seemed more appreciative and more loving. and he's been offering me some time to get out by myself. i didn't even have to ask. i can live like this.

and i realize, as with anything, you must work at it. repeatedly. if i want to lose weight, i have to get on the treadmill. if i want to buy a new car, i have to save my money. these things take discipline and they take work.

i love how the book says, "whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. it's hard to care for something you are not investing in." this is SO true. why would you care about anything unless you have a vested interest in it?

i'm curious what did you all get your husbands? this was REALLY hard for me. i'm horrible at buying man gifts. i ended up buying brandon breakfast from bojangles. with my husband, southern, fried food leads straight to the heart :)

i know i've spent most of my time on day 3, but that's simply because i found that day to be most challenging and revealing to me. it really openend my eyes to ways i was being selfish that i didn't even realize.

i do want to briefly mention today's challenge, calling your husband at work unexpectedly for no reason. while i need to seriously work on my selfish tendencies, one thing i think both brandon and i do very well is we check in with each other multiple times a day. we have always done this and it has always meant so much to me. i like to know that brandon's thinking about me and i'm sure he feels the same way.

good night and stay strong sisters!

day 1 ~ meeting His strength in my weakness

well girls...monday tried to kick my butt several times over the past 12 hours {toddler mega-meltdowns, 100 degree heat while running errands, diaper blow-out...i won't bore you with the other grueling details} but i fought hard and won the battle.  yes, there is a tutu and a dozen other random items laying on my family room floor.  and, yes, there are dishes and clothes stacked and yet to be put away.  and, yes, my floor {which my kids routinely eat off of} is filthy, but...i got 3 loads of laundry done, served 3 balanced meals, had fun with my kids, and kept my cool all day long.  the good news is my daily dare was fulfilled.  the bad news is i don't have much left in the reserve tank to write an incredibly thoughtful post.  but...here goes...a few observations to kick off our 40 day challenge!


(1)  :: strength in numbers ::   
there are several of us {myself included} who have attempted the love dare in the past and fallen short.  i am committed this time but just in case my commitment might start to wane i asked you gals to jump on the train with me because i could flake out and cause my own train wreck but i wouldn't dare get this thing off track knowing that the rest of you are precious passengers!  your accountability is invaluable to me...thank you sisters!


(2)  :: a habit ::  
here's one of the main reasons i am totally committed to seeing this thing ALL the way through...i want to form a habit.  there is gobs of research out there on forming habits and from what i've read folks believe it takes anywhere from 21 to 66 days for something to really become ingrained...i figure 40 is a darn good start.  the habit i want to form?  ~loving well~  the focus of this particular journey is our husbands but my hope is that in learning to love my husband well i will also begin loving my children, my parents, my friends {and even that annoying driver that just cut me off} well, too.


(3)  :: hitting me where it hurts ::  
day one...patience...seriously???  couldn't we just ease into this thing???  when i began to read today's entry i almost closed my book, waved the white flag, threw in the towel...  there is something you should know about me - on most days i am a ticking time bomb.  my impatient (and anything but 'gentle') flesh has gotten the best of me so many times and is one of the greatest battles that my heart faces on a daily basis.  at first i was overwhelmed to face this facet of love for my first challenge but quickly my fear turned to gratitude and hope.  for me, personally, there really couldn't be a better place to start.  if there is anything that i need a FULL 40 days to practice it is patience.  and if there is going to be any major breakthrough in my ability to love it must start with patience.  and anyways...God reminded me yesterday, before i even cracked this book, that He would provide me with the strength i would need to face this challenge and all the other ones that come my way.  this is where he led me...


from isaiah 40 ~He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak...those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.


OK girls...here we go...praying daily that each of you would embrace His strength in your weakness as we face this worthy challenge of loving well...


let me hear from you...

last day to be a jerk...

...of course i'm kidding, girls!


seriously though...tomorrow marks DAY 1 of our love dare experience and i hope that you are all pumped up and ready to go!  please spread the word about what we are doing and why...


speaking of why...why ARE you accepting this dare??


let the sharing begin...

now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.  but the greatest of these is love... ~1 corinthians 13:13